so i go to school for art now. plus gotta do the occasional non politically correct art for the co-workers. here is the highlight reel.
so as my 8 month old daughter carts herself about the room in her walker while the dogs “play” around her, it occurs to me that my dogs would be terrible kids. Roux, the little old one, is obsessive about fetch and all fetch related things. the big dumb one, Liga, is obsessed with human attention/contact(like a normal dog right?). here is the expansion on these qualities converted to humans:
Roux has a toy. she wants you to play with her toy too, but she will only let you touch it if you act like you don’t want it (no eye contact allowed for the release!). and when she sets the toy down for you, it will always be slightly outside arms-reach. and if you don’t pick it up immediately she will yell at you.
Liga does not have a toy. she does not care about toys…unless roux is playing with a toy, in which case liga wants that toy. and if Liga gets the toy away from roux and roux wont stop bugging her about it, liga will take the toy and leave it outside.
see what i mean? worst role models ever for human children to see.
they are super humorous as dogs but if i get a call from preschool saying Alice took someone’s toy and threw it outside because the kid wanted it back well… i know who to blame.
big dumb white bear
stains abound with hair so fair
first the walrus blood all over the place
soon to you will have poop on your face
if only you read the useful baby books
you could have saved your handsome looks
now all the girls bears see the unfit dad
and you will be covered in a smell so bad
The wife and I are debating methods for a cross-country trip. She wants to fly the 1200 mile trip and I wanna drive. She wins the financial standpoint because I have tons of delta sky miles (gold medallion status FTW!) and with what’s left get a rental car. But…we will have a ~11 month old daughter with us. I have been on planes with babies. Never my own, but it’s always hell. I can only imagine how much worse it will be when it’s my problem to deal with non-popping ears and general fussiness. I mentioned putting her in dog crate but then I was shown a video taken from the cabin of a plane where dogs in the cargo hold could be heard barking…so that’s out I guess.
Driving on the other hand is something I thoroughly enjoy doing cross-country… By myself. I have never tried it with a baby.
I fondly remember riding in the back of a suburban as a child, cheaply gallivanting around the small towns of america with my family. im assuming it was cheap because i was not aware of money at that age…and my parents are pretty cheap and they drove to all vacations so it must be cheap.
My sleeping baby
If i move you do not yell
And I’ll love you more.
she has a way to lure you in
alligator tears make your anger a sin
you promise to fix it and take the pain away
the cute little face you love during the day
but then the dark of night comes around
when you and the wife would like less sound
that’s when she shows how she loves you
by being a moaner and yeller till two
you let her sleep in your bed
she kicks you in the head
but he next morning with less than 4 hours shuteye
she puts on the sweet face and restarts the lie
So believe it or not the title of this post exactly as it is was the retained thought from a dream my daughter screamed me away from last night. It was something to do with a generic CEO type guy giving a “gung-ho” speech about the people he wants to hire. Those 3 things. Midwife, meaning you have brought someone into this world. Murder, meaning you took somebody out of this world. and challenge, as in, now you are ready for the next thing. pretty crazy. Pondering it made it pretty hard to get back to sleep…besides the baby hitting me while laying next to me.
I have a job interview in 2 days so i guess in need to go kill a guy…